The Laughing Wolf

Bun Bun, Where Are You!

As I was cooking up my massive batch of sausage, something bad happened. Something very bad for which I need the services of Bun Bun. For those of you not fortunate enough to be reading Sluggy Freelance, Bun Bun is a homicidal lop-eared rabbit who hunts down and maims telemarketers. His services are needed.

Cooking is a balancing act as it is, and cooking large batches of things is a dynamic balance. Keeping things in balance requires a deft touch, rapid movement when needed, and a steady hand.

I was well into the sausage, and in fact nearing the end when things got bad. I had just poured off most of grease from the pan, and that made it a dangerous time. You have to get what you are cooking in fast so that temperatures don’t get too high. What you are cooking actually keeps temperatures down, and keeps things in the bottom of the pan from burning.

When you do sausage, bacon, or about any meat, this is crucial. That brown stuff on the bottom of the pan is what makes a great gravy or sauce. Add flour, water, and spices and you have a gravy. Add wine, spices, and maybe some arrowroot or cornstarch, and you have a sauce.

Keeping things in balance so that stuff stays carmelized and good is crucial. If you are using a good pan, cutting the heat down a bit is not an option since it can take one to five minutes to get an effective change. Burning happens much quicker than that, so you use the amount of grease/liquid and the amount of food to control things. Having just poured off the majority of the grease, it was up to food.

Then the phone rang. The caller ID showed a 1-800 number that I thought might be the realtor, lawyer, or surveyors I talked to in recent days. I took the call, knowing that none of them would object if I jumped immediately back into cooking. I grabbed with my cooking towel as my hands were coated in raw pork.

After several hellos during which I almost hung up, I finally got the person on the other end to start talking. They were from a fire department and were just so full of fake down-home friendliness that it wasn’t funny. They would not get to the point in a hurry, which meant that I was not able to move as quickly as I should. Even as I frantically tried to get more patties made and into the pan, I was having to keep dealing with this thing on the other end.

Now, I don’t care if you are the best and most deserving charity in the world. Don’t waste my time. Especially don’t do so in a way such that I watch that golden crust on the bottom of the pan start going towards that dark brown or black colour that means you are screwed. No gravy, bitter tasting grease, bad food. The guy finally gave me a good opening, as to how I was doing. “Busy. Burning sausage. Bye.” I hung up and jumped back into the fray.

I did not make gravy, but did keep things from burning or being bitter. Or at least the food. I am bitter. I am more than merely annoyed at this charity and all the other hacks, flacks, and minions of evil that insist on wasting my time by calling or e-mailing with things in which I have no interest. They deserve Bun Bun in full fury, no quarter.

As for me, I plan to start fighting back. Several other bloggers have some legal and fun things to do to spammers of all types, and I intend to start doing the same. I am also tired of being polite to telephone time wasters. So, call at your peril. You may just find that I have started a listing of charities to avoid here, to go with the one charity that I do say support.

Your choice, but make it a wise one.

-30-