The Laughing Wolf

Way Of The Wolf: Sexual Responsibility

Several recent discussions have caused me to want to devote this Saturday to a somewhat frank discussion of sexual ethics and responsibilities. More than business, more than about anything else that there is, sex and relationships demand the highest out of all individuals.

First, there needs to be a distinction between sex and something that for now I will term making love, for they are two separate things. Sex can be had anytime, anywhere, with about anything. It has no commitment, no meaning beyond immediate pleasure, and it can be quite fun and refreshing. Making love, on the other hand, speaks of a mental and/or spiritual commitment to the process, for it is much more that the mechanics of coupling.

In either case, responsible individuals should be concerned with and committed to doing right by their partner. If all you are interested in is selfish gratification with no thought for another, please stick with toys as no living creature should have to deal with you. Gender and such really don’t mean much here. You are either committed to your partner, be it for an hour or a lifetime, or you are not.

Doing right by your partner has several levels to it. First, you should take care for your partner’s pleasure. Sex or love, it should be fun and it can be quite delightful to spend your time making sure that they are getting the most pleasure possible. This does not mean that you are doing everything and that they are a passive vessel, and if this is the case you need to step back and think a bit.

If you are the only one doing, it means that either they are extremely selfish, or that you are being extremely selfish. Giving them pleasure means that you should be sharing, for they may derive a great deal of gratification from doing unto you. If you are preventing them from so doing, you are doing yourself and them a grave disservice. If they are getting, or demanding, and never giving of anything physical, spiritual, or mental, then you need to be looking for a new partner or prepared to do a heck of a lot of talking, teaching, and reassessment.

Your partners’ pleasure depends on much more than mere physical stimulation. There is a mental component to it as well, and a spiritual. You must address both these areas in all you do. The mental varies, but it always includes a component of letting them know that you are thinking of them and what is best for them. It does not matter if it is a commercial transaction, if you are that selfish that there is no such consideration, again you should stick with toys.

The mental also needs to go well beyond that. Everyone has fantasies, needs, desires, and more. Take the time to learn those of your partner, learn what turns them on, turns them off, what scares them in a bad way, and what scares them in a fun way. Help them to face their real fears, enjoy their “fun” fears, and have the courage to explore fantasies and more. So many marriages hit snags, and people stray, because they are bored or someone offers them the chance to act out a fantasy that home will not consider. While there are strong biological imperatives to stray (see Desmond Morris’ The Human Animal television series for some good examples), what causes real problems is the psychological aspects. If you are comfortable with and sure of yourself, then you can and will safely explore both your fantasies as well as your lovers.

Understand that as you do this that fantasies do not make you a bad person. It is perfectly okay and normal to have a variety of fantasies, from the dark to the delightfully ridiculous. Neither extreme means you are a bad person or would really want to do them or have them happen to you in real life. Fantasy, and the safe exploration of same, is a good way to have fun, explore, and to grow. In all of it, remember the mantra of the BDSM crowd, which is: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Keep it safe, keep it sane, and have fun exploring.

The spiritual aspects apply more to the making love area than to sex, but there is a bit of overlap. To me, sex can be and is a form of sacrament. To my mind, we can and do touch a bit of the divine when we join with another. When you merge mind and body the spirit is heavily involved, and you should take a moment and appreciate that fact. Look at the miracle that is your partner’s body, that delightfully complex bundle of nerves, glands, muscle and bone that is their shell. That responds to your breath, your touch, your kiss, and gives beauty to your eyes. The mind that inhabits that body is no less worthy of your consideration, as it determines the non-physical as well as the physical things that give and get pleasure. Look beyond that a moment to that which is truly them, their soul if you will, that is at the core of it all. Look for ways to feed and touch both your souls as go.

Now that we have dealt with the trinity that is pleasure, you must look out after yourself and your partner. In so far as it is possible, you need to protect them physically, mentally, and spiritually. The physical is easy, as it follows the way of do no harm. Hurt happens, but true harm is to be avoided at all costs. Thou shalt not do unto them physical things that will not heal. This means no broken bones, cuts, or other things that come from abuse. That said, this does not apply to consensual spankings or BDSM play. The one thing that applies to both is that you do nothing that causes irreparable physical injury.

This most especially means the prevention of disease. It means taking appropriate precautions for the situation. It means including an STD workup in your yearly physical, or if you don’t get a regular physical for crying out loud get a workup anyway if you are active. Protect yourself and your partners this way. Yes, I do follow my own advice and carry the papers to prove it if need be. It also means taking all precautions within your code of ethics to avoid pregnancy unless that is the desired goal of both parties.

The mental and spiritual are harder to define and harder to do, but it means that you protect your partner from psychological or related harm. Exploring fantasies can be and should be fun; if, however, that fantasy starts to take one to bad places, you stop. You stop, you talk, and think. You have a huge responsibility here, so take care.

I would also take a moment to point out something I heard one time that I agree with fully. It is an easy way to determine if what you are doing or witnessing is abuse or healthy fun. Healthy fun provides growth, it allows the people involved to grow in a positive manner to the benefit of all. Through this, fears are faced, challenges met, boundaries pushed, and spirits healed. Abuse, on the other hand, destroys. It damages, it brings down, it destroys an individual's mind, body, and soul. Abuse is to be identified and dealt with wherever it is found.

If you come across something that bothers you, it is not what you would do or are scared of, take a moment to examine the situation. Talk with the people involved when appropriate, and gather information. Observe if possible. Then, use the distinctions above to make your judgment. What you see may not be your cup of tea, and if so have the courage and integrity to admit such and realize that though it is not for you, it may work for those involved. They, as individuals and a couple/group, have the right to do it, just as you have the right not to do it. Just because you don’t like to do it does not make it a sin, wrong, or illegal.

Whatever you do with a consenting partner that passes the abuse test given above, is fine. It may be straight, pure, vanilla sex. It can be the wildest, kinkiest BDSM the world has ever seen. So long as both parties derive pleasure and positive growth, it is consensual, and it is not forced in any way on others, then enjoy.

This brings up one of the most important aspects of sexual responsibility: Honesty. Sex, love, it doesn’t matter. If you are not honest with each other, there will be no magic, no joy, and probably not much pleasure. If you want to do more than simple mechanical sex, honesty has to be the largest part of what you do.

How can a partner know what gives you pleasure if you are not honest in telling and guiding them? How will you know what fantasies to explore if you are not honest with each other about them? How will you learn and grow without it?

Honesty, real honesty, is scary. You are opening yourself up in a way that can really hurt you. How will your partner feel about you if you tell them secrets, secret desires, dirty little secrets? Will they hate you, shun you, consider you a bad or evil person for having such thoughts? This is an integral part of the human psyche, and one given far too much reinforcement by conformist society.

Rather than approaching things with these questions, try asking yourself instead “Are they sure enough of themselves to handle the truth? Are they capable of rational thought and discourse? Are they good enough for me?” This is what it really boils down to in the end. Can they handle the real you? If they can’t, you need to find out early, before there is a chance for harm to either. To be less than your best self, no matter what that may be, is wrong. It harms you, and through you it will harm the relationship and them. That is not acceptable.

This is not saying that you must have brutal total honesty from the start, for that is just as foolish as denying your true self. What it means is being honest enough to begin sounding each other out, to determine if the other person is a good person who shares your thoughts and beliefs, and is someone you can trust.

Trust is the corollary of honesty. For when both parties are honest, trust can be built and given. It means that you can find someone with whom to trust your body, your mind, and your soul. Even with sex there is a degree of this, and with making love it becomes the heart of the matter. Trust is not given immediately or easily in most cases. It is built up over time as each prove themselves to the other. Without honesty, there can be no trust, and without trust, there can be no honesty.

The final component of sexual responsibility is informed consent. Consent requires information, it requires honesty, and it requires some degree of trust. On the commercial level, it means that you trust your partner to do what is agreed to, in the manner agreed to, and that what they tell you about themselves, their talent, their health, and such is accurate. On the level of momentary lust, it means essentially the same thing and in philosophical terms, as defined by me, there is little difference between the two. In terms of honesty and integrity, it can be far better to go commercial than to risk honesty and integrity simply to “get some.”

Informed consent is crucial, because it means that both parties know what they are getting into, what they have agreed to, and that both know the rewards and the risks. On one level, true informed consent is impossible because none of us can truly know what we are getting into in any relationship. Yet, even so, every effort must be made to have the communication, honesty, integrity, and respect needed for the relationship.

If one party is incapable of making decisions for themselves, or making a reasonable choice, then don’t do anything. Age, sex, nothing matters if they cannot make an intelligent decision. They can be 50 years old, but if they lack the honesty, maturity, intelligence, or other factor needed to make an informed and intelligent choice, you must walk away from sex or love, no matter what. For if you fail to do so, you harm them and yourself.

There is no magic age where one suddenly becomes capable of making such decisions. No maturity fairy comes down and smacks us with a wand o’ smarts on our birthday. Such comes from experience, knowledge, and something inside that is hard to define. I have met kids as wise as Solomon, far beyond their years; and, I have met people of my parent’s generation who have not a single hope of growing up in any meaningful way before they die. So, age is no excuse.

If the other party does not or can not give consent, don’t start. If they withdraw consent in the middle of things, pull out, pull off, whatever: just stop. For me personally, it is something where everything will stop, and probably permanently unless there are very extenuating circumstances. It is one things to say “Stop! Charlie Horse!!” and to deal with the cramp. It is another thing for someone simply to say “Stop, I’ve changed my mind.” If you have truly followed the Way on this, it should not happen but caca occureth. Stop, dress, leave. For if this happens, one or both parties have not been honest with themselves, much less each other, and there should be no trust in such a situation. Protect yourself, and get out.

So, the keys to sexual responsibility are consent, consideration, and honesty. If you put these three things into any sexual relationship, you will be the richer for it.

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