The Laughing Wolf

Way Of The Wolf: Relationships, Pt.2

Last Saturday, I began a clear as mud discussion of relationships, focusing on maturity. I really had not intended it that way, but the topic was both too long for one discussion and despite my best efforts I felt that it was not as clear as I would have liked for it to be. This week, I am going to focus on the other two legs of the tripod that is relationships: honor and integrity. One day, I will go back and clear up last weeks, and maybe run all of this together as one entry.

Relationships of any type deserve the best we can give them. It does not matter if it is a friendship, a tryst, or something more permanent. It also does not matter the genders of those involved, the number of those involved, or anything else provided that the relationship is based on a mature respect, coupled with the honesty and integrity needed to make it work.

A formalized relationship is the easiest for this to be done, and also the easiest for a person to trip. Now, I am using formalized here simply because a marriage is only one type of a formalized relationship. There are many other types, though they are not as well known, or simply that in many cases people fail to realize them for what they are. The thing that binds them all together is that there is some form of legal, civil, religious, or other guideline and expectation for the relationship.

In many cases, there is an oath-giving or oath-taking that is part of the relationship. Marriage vows, godparent vows, or any other type of similar situation is the solemn giving of word that certain things will be done. As with all oaths, these are not things for mere lip service, but serious obligations with legal and/or moral weight.

For this reason, when I marry, I plan to be very careful of my vows. There was a preacher years back that I knew, who altered the standard marriage vows because he well knew the bride. He told her with a smile, a grin to be honest, that he would not make her swear to obey, as he would not make her a liar on her wedding day. A wise man, and an honorable one as well, for he knew that this was not an oath that should be made by this person within the traditional concepts of obeying. She was no weak-willed person who would always do as she was told, but a person who would do what she believed was right, no matter the cost.

The fact is, if you do a religious ceremony of marriage, you are pledging your life and your immortal soul to the oath. If you pledge to obey, be faithful, etc., then you are pledging you will do so no matter the cost to you in this life or the next. Think this is an exaggeration? Then check with a good preacher/priest/rabbi/other and take a close look at the words and their meanings.

If it is a civil ceremony, you are still pledging your word, your honor, and your fortune to such words. I would argue that you still pledge your soul as well, unless specifically excluded, but will also admit that this is subject to differing interpretations. What does not change, however, is that you pledge the best that is yourself to doing what you say. That the words, implicitly or explicitly, carry penalties for failure to keep your word.

So, think long and hard about the oath you swear before you take that step. It is wrong in every way to swear such oaths knowing that you will break them. That is why if you are a swinger or are participants in other non-traditional ventures, that you make sure the oath does not prohibit what you do. To swear any oath not just thinking that you might break it, but knowing you will, is an abomination. It means that you are dishonest at the start, and that is no way to go into any relationship.

Non-formal relationships are the harder to deal with, simply because the rules change as you go. If you start something off on a casual basis, such as just going to movies or dinner together to keep from going alone, and then gradually grow into some form of closer relationship, the rules change. It is up to both parties to realize the change, to make sure that all are aware of the changes, and that all agree to play by the new rules.

These rules need to be spelled out and agreed to, either verbally or in writing. I have been in relationships that have not done so, and that have done well. I have also been in and witnessed others where this did not. This is part of the maturity process, or learning through pain mentioned last week, and is a kernel of wisdom from which I hope others can learn.

If you truly care about the relationship and the other party or parties, have the integrity to hold such discussions. They may or may not be painless, but there is far greater pain and suffering that awaits if you don’t do it. It may or may not be comfortable, but greater discomfort comes from failing to do the right thing.

Now, while I am all for honesty, I do need to clarify a point here: total, complete, and brutal honesty is not a good thing. There are times where you want to be very diplomatic, for the sake of the relationship and your hide. A good case in point works for both males and females: you are out together and you see an attractive person who has a nice rear. Your mate notices. This is not the time to tell them that, yes, the other person does indeed have cuter buns. That is, unless you are secure enough in each other and in yourselves to deal with such, or you have an strong desire for a painful death. Another case would be a baby, where you are expected to say something nice even if it looks and acts like Gollum on a bad day.

While I will not counsel lying, there is usually a good way to say something non-committal or nice that is literally true but avoids the pain of brutal honesty. “Yes, they do have beautiful hair, but I wonder if there is a nice way for you to give them the name of your hairdresser.” “Oh, they are so peaceful when they sleep.” “Yes, they do have a nice ___________. Speaking of which, that gives me an idea…” (appropriate grabbing, kissing, suggestions here)

Whatever the relationship, honor it and cherish it. If you can’t do this, get out of it because one or both of you deserve better. Maturity, honesty, and integrity are the pillars on which good relationships are built. Building them takes time, effort, and pain. The results, however, are very much worth it as you have a loving, committed, and fun relationship in which to be immersed.

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