The Laughing Wolf

I Do Empathize

Army Wife Toddler Mom is having trouble with a stubborn father. Believe me, I can empathize.

Dad was many things, among them stubborn. That can be a good thing, and it can be a bad thing.

When he was younger, it meant not letting a little thing like an axe in the leg slow him down. As he got older, well...

He was at work one day (after his 70th birthday, I might add) when he began to feel bad. He kept going, until he more or less collapsed and required an ambulance. Turns out that a group of emphysema cysts had gotten together on his lung and blown out, collapsing his lung and him. Had the lung not dropped, I suspect he would have just kept going. Several surgeries later to fix that and prevent others, he was unceremoniously fired for not being able to come back to work and do all he had before. It was also during this time that he did something that let us know what was to come.

Mom was supposed to go on a school trip to Ireland and England, as one of the chaperones. She started to cancel, and Dad argued that she should go. After all, it was paid for and the doctors all swore that he would live until she got back, and on and on. Mom ended up going, after putting up pre-made meals, arranging for people to check on him, take him to the grocery or wherever as needed as he was not yet cleared to drive, and so forth.

Dad saw her off like a good Marine, chin up, and played the goodbye scene just right. Then, as soon as he knew she was gone and the ride not coming back (an hour or so), he hopped in the car and drove to the local Nu-Way hotdog stand for a delicious and deadly chili dog...

There was a big list of no-no's for him, and I think he took it as a challenge. He evaded, bribed, intimidated, possibly man-handled, or otherwise dealt with his keepers to do many of them. None of the truly big things, but he chipped away at the list a little at a time with yard work, garden work, and more. He knew he could do, and would not accept otherwise, and was also determined that Mom and everyone else know he could as well.

In later years he got very devious and sneaky for evading the full effect of doctors. After we lost Mom, it got worse. Worse to the point that he had problems, and refused to deal with them. It came to a head one day when he had a series of small strokes -- and made a pot of coffee, sat at the kitchen table, drank it, and cried for most of the day. He was scared of the change, of not being able to do, and the future. He was also very unaware of how things had changed in terms of treatments, fortunately his girlfriend and I were not.

It took some effort, especially as we could not trust the only other relative around who could help (long story) to assist, but we worked things so that Dad invited me to move back home to help me out. Had to be that way, you see, as Dad needed no help at all. I put my life and plans on hold, and invested all I had, into a year with him. First up was getting blood pressure and other under control. His girlfriend (who I often refer to as my stepmom, though she legally was not such) got him to his "real" doctor (his GP was useless IMO). This took some effort, but when the Big Mick examined Dad, he was furious. So much so I thought I was in danger, but it was just how much he wanted to thrash/paddle Dad. It worked in that it did intimidate Dad into following most orders, and we were on the road to getting things stabilized. Not to say that there were not some issues with blood thinner and more, or other problems, but we got things to a point where all could be reasonably happy.

Dad continued to push things a bit, which was a good sign for him. When he got back on his feet, I resumed my life and let him have his again. I knew he was pushing, but I also let him do so. To be honest, as much as some of it bothered me, it also amused me and I felt all was right with the world. If he had dropped dead plowing or working his garden, he would have gone happy. We bought him a year of life on his own, not existence, but living.

The end did come, and I was called home because there had been a serious problem. His doctor did what he could, but when we brought Dad home from the hospital to a house that had been handicapped accessed, and he realized that he would have to be cared for 24/7 for the rest of his days and would not be able to go and do, well, he was gone in about four days. In some ways, it still hurts to think of those final days and the end, yet, I also almost always laugh. When I called hospice to let them know that Dad had died at zero-whatever-hours, the person at hospice let out this anguished yelp of "But we just got him!!"

Yes, having a parent or other do what seems to be foolish things is never fun, and is great for getting up the blood pressure and such. Yet, at the same time, I understand why they do so far better than I ever did before. It is a good sign, if you care to think of it that way. As long as they push, then they want to live, not exist. When they stop pushing, that is a bad sign.

If you are in this situation, it is not fun, but enjoy it while you can. It is far better than the alternatives.

LW
yes Tammi, I do come by it honestly...