The Laughing Wolf

It is up to you to be aware of your surroundings and the situation as it pertains to the then and now. You choose the path you travel, the risks you take, and the actions while on that journey. It is up to you to have the situational awareness to identify a bad situation or trouble before it starts and to run, if necessary, to avoid it. If it comes upon you, it is up to you to deal with it.

Therefore, it is up to you to prepare for it. Preparedness takes on many forms, from mental alertness to having necessary supplies for an emergency. You must decide how to prepare yourself for life, and be prepared to take responsibility for those choices. If you choose wrong, it is nobody’s fault but your own.

That said, preparedness does not have to be an onerous exercise. It can, quite literally, be your exercise. One way to stay in good shape is to exercise, and a martial art like Aikido can promote cardiovascular health and flexibility even as it exercises your mind on several levels. Your workout at the gym can prepare you for dealing with emergencies by ensuring you have the strength and stamina to walk, hike, or otherwise do what is needed when an emergency hits. In the process, all of this helps ensure the good health of the body.

Nor is this the only example. Insulating your home to prevent drafts and ensure energy efficiency not only saves you money, it can help ensure good health in the process even as it gives you preparations for various human-generated emergencies. The supplies for dealing with various chemical and biological attacks have other uses as well, and can help meet other needs even if they are never used for any other purpose.

Cash, gold, silver, and other set aside for emergencies can be considered either a part of your savings or your retirement. For that matter, you can even think of it as an estate gift to your beneficiaries. Don’t think of it as a burden, but rather a part of your regular life.

The only limit to this is you and your attitude. Only you can provide for your safety, and only you can do what is needed mentally and physically to ensure the same.

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I have written about this more than I care for, but let me share an experience with you. Take, if you will, a 12-year-old boy who has a man twice his size grab him from behind, place a hand over his mouth, and attempts to hold him still so he can grope him. Imagine that happening within 15 feet of the boy’s parents and friends. Imagine that person being someone trusted. That is an assault, and that is exactly what happened to me, C. Blake Powers.

I was lucky. The person was scared of a scene, and while I was as well (fragile is the ego of the adolescent male), I used that – and an elbow and heel – against him. I was not mauled further, but had I not fought back I would have been raped. In what was probably the first true adult decision of my life, I dealt with what happened in the immediate sense. I sent a message to this creature via a rifle and an open box of shells – something that all those who now seek to put riders on the gun manufacturers bill seek to deny to me and all future targets of assault. Message was received and well understood. While I had no part in it, that person is now also facing a much higher court than any on this mortal coil.

Note that I said target, and not victim. Like many others, I was a target for something vile, but I refuse to be its victim. Did this cause me problems? Yes, it did give me some things that had to be worked out, from learning the difference between a paedophile and a homosexual to some other odd bumps and kinks. Is everything worked out now? Who knows, and to a certain extent, who cares? It happened, I survived, and I do not let it rule my life. If something crops up from it or it in combination with many other things, then I will deal with it.

As I said, I was lucky. I have met people who were not, and have heard of many more. As far as I am concerned, Ms. Wolf needs a hard dose of reality, such as working at a rape center, or spending time helping the surviving targets of Saddam and his hellspawns. Her claim of soul destroying trauma is an insult to the victims of violent and forcible rape. It is a travesty to the men and women who have survived skin ripping, bone breaking, concussion-inducing domestic violence. It is a spit in the face of all those who were raped, tortured, and/or killed in Iraq and in other hell holes around the world.

I wish that the only soul-destroying trauma in my life was an unwanted pass. I wish it was the worst that anyone ever experienced, anywhere in this universe.

So this wolf says unto you: Get a frelling life. Grow up and get over yourself.

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It all seems reasonable and it was, until the definition of harm was expanded. Harm became much more than simple damage, it became something almost mystical without clear definition or boundaries. Harm was more than mere cost, it was an ethereal thing defying a constant definition. No longer measured, it was a thing sensed and felt beyond words. It was something even beyond pain and suffering, an eternal darkness weighing down the victim.

By the new definition, it no longer takes direct action to produce harm. Words harm, and even innocent words can cause damage. Pictures or images can harm, and even sounds can harm. Instead of the median or mode of society, the norm, the definition was shifted to the most fragile in society. Instead of the “most reasonable people” concept, it became the “least person” concept.

It was and is also lucrative. Since it can’t truly be defined, it also cannot be defended against. There is no way to disprove the claims of anguish, in large measure because there is no way to truly prove the claims. It is raw emotionalism, and as such more a form of blackmail than anything else. This provides economic and political leverage/power for those that wield it.

The payoff is not merely in the form of money, but in less tangible things as well. A victim by definition is not responsible, therefore anything they do in the future cannot be held against them as it occurs as a result of their victimization. A victim has, in essence, a free pass for the rest of their lives for all that they do. So, more and more people delight in being victims, and more and more so-called leaders encourage this as it provides them with a power base.

Someone insulted your clothes in elementary school? You are scarred for life and a victim. Someone says you are pretty? You are a victim. Someone calls you ugly? You are a victim. Someone does a commercial with characters wearing a hat that looks vaguely ethnic? It is secret racism and you are a victim. Someone makes a polite pass at you? Sexism! And again you are a victim. A teacher requires you to go look something up? The Horrors! You are a victim!!

Congratulations! You now have a free pass for life. You have the perfect excuse and a valid legal defense for anything that comes at you in the future. You may even qualify for monetary damages!

Give. Me. A. Break.

There are two other definitions of victim about which you need to think. One is a living creature sacrificed to a deity or rite. The other is a dupe, the prey of those who would feed off the weak.

When someone is persecuted for an innocent action, or simply for the sake of political or other expediency, that person is truly victimized. When someone is persecuted for something they did not do, or that is attributed to their ancestors, that is true victimization. When someone is tried later for something that was not a crime at the time, and maybe even a societal norm, that is true victimization.

It is easy to forget, especially when there is strong encouragement to do so, that all things come with a price. That price have many facets, from higher costs for products or services to a denial of products or services. It may be that the lives of individuals are destroyed by mere accusations, unproven and unfounded, and there is a high cost to that.

The easy thing to do is to be a dupe, to play into the system (You can’t win unless you play!) and find a way to be a victim. The hard thing to do is to avoid it. There is a fine line between justice and vengeance, and it is not always easy to see. There is a fine line between legitimate redress and the Cult of Victimization, and serious efforts are being made all the time by the unscrupulous to blur or erase it.

The key to this lies within you. Are you going to let the bully in 3rd grade define your life for you? Are you going to let the crushing disappointment of being dumped by a lover rule your life forever? Are you really going to give another person that much power over you? Are you really going to give them your soul?

Just down the page from victim is a far more powerful and important word. A word towards which any follower of the way should strive. That word is a simple one, also only six letters long.

Victor

A winner. Someone who triumphs over adversity. A person who wins the contest. An individual who defeats the opposition and the odds despite any and all circumstances. A person who does not let any one, or even several, setbacks deter them from winning.

This is a person who looks ahead. This is a person who refuses to let themselves be defined and limited by what has occurred, but uses it to move forward and achieve great things.

And that exposes the true trap of the Cult of Victimization. As a victim, you are forever trapped in the past, with no future. Everything is measured against that event, and you must always look back to it in horror so that it defines you and your life. It limits you, and you will always be dependent upon a system to support you.

Raise up your eyes. Turn around, and look up. There is a vast expanse of unwritten future that awaits you, and it can be as bright and as high as you want it to be.

You may have experienced real trauma in your life; or, you may be a manufactured victim. It matters not. The choice is still yours, to live in the darkness of what was, or to move up and ahead.

My question to you is, are you going to give the person who harmed you absolute control over your life, your destiny? Are you going to let them win in the truest sense of the word? Or are you going to take back your life and have the best revenge of all: living well and accomplishing great things?

That choice is yours. It is up to you to decide if you are victim, or victor.

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In the first case, there is a logical basis for the hatred of the person. In the second case, there is no logical basis save that the person has been chosen to be demonized by us. In both cases, hatred passes the boundaries of logic and reality and is something that will harm us far more than it will them.

Even when logic applies, rationality often does not. The mere existence of a logical connection does not make the hatred rational, right, or justified. Nor does it justify any action taken against the object of that hatred, most especially visitation of harm. It can be fun to think about someone getting exactly what they deserve, but that is pretty much where it needs to remain: a pleasant day dream. Unless and until the person poses a risk under the precepts of rational pacifism, no action against them is justified. You can speak or preach against them all you want, but until they cross the line you can do nothing other than persuade.

Hatred is a negative, counter-productive emotion that clouds the mind and reason. Just as hatred of a thing or concept is often rooted in fear and loathing of something within us, the people we hate – not just dislike to some degree – often reveals more about us than about them. For very often the things we hate about another person are the things we hate about ourselves. The traits or action we are so passionate about in another are often the ones we hate the most in ourselves, or that we fear will become our dominant traits. If we hate someone (other than a spouse) because they cheated on their marriage vows, it is often because we fear that we lack the strength of will to maintain our own. If we hate someone because they are or appear to be a coward, it can often be because we fear that we could be a coward too. If we hate someone because they are strong and take decisive action, it may well be that we fear what we would do with that power. Just as was pointed out earlier, the person who is scared of weapons can be so because they know or fear what they would do with them.

The strong power of hatred can actually facilitate this process, so that in pursuit of our hatred we become that which we hate. So stop and think about the individuals you truly hate: what is it about them that you truly hate, and might it not be a reflection of something you dislike or fear in yourself? Set aside the hate, and deal with the issue that is in you. Grow in yourself, and you will be strong enough to set aside your hate.

This does not mean accepting or tolerating a wrong behavior in others. There are plenty of more useful and constructive emotions to bring to bear: pity, scorn, even intense dislike or anger. What it does mean is the strength of will to master yourself, to confront and control your fears, and to serve as a guide to others through that.

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A variety of psychology and related studies have shown that what we hate is most often a part of ourselves. It is a part we deny, fear, and do not want to acknowledge. It is a part of us that appears to fly in the face of all we believe and hold up in our lives. Some may see it as a dark part of our lives for that reason, or because it conflicts in some way with our religious and spiritual beliefs. It is because we recognize that thing within ourselves, and we do not want to admit to it. Therefore, it should be no surprise to find that according to studies that the most rabid of homophobes are likely to be latent homosexuals; that the most rabid opponents of alcohol are alcoholics or latent alcoholics; or, that the ones most into eliminating weapons are the ones who know what they would do with them if they had them. The list does go on.

Yet, we must face it, admit it, and deal with it so that we can move on in our lives. Dealing with it does not mean reveling in it to excess, or that it forces us to do something evil. Everyone has the occasional “evil” thought, but self-discipline and self-respect keep us from ever acting on the truly bad ones. It may be that there is a part of yourself that you need to acknowledge and bring forth. It may be that there is a part of you that you need to acknowledge and then apply discipline so that it is neutralized. There are often harmless ways to deal with some things. What matters is facing your inner demons squarely, and then dealing with them in a responsible manner.

Dealing with them will help us improve ourselves, our lives, and the world around us. For when we face our hatreds, we grow stronger and are far less likely to engage in the weaknesses of violence, bigotry, bullying. We are less likely to take out our self-hatred on others. That is one of the greatest gifts we can give to them, and to ourselves.

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His words were a shock to some, for they appear to fly in the face of traditional religious teaching. For what he proposed was very simple, but then again it is often the simple concepts that can cause the most profound searching of souls.

Do you see anything with which you disagree as being a challenge to your faith? Do you take any question as a threat? Does the sight of any thing or behavior different from your faith cause you to panic, or desire to destroy it? Does the presentation of any alternative interpretation of scripture bring rage or fear?

To build on his excellent foundation, if the slightest question shakes you and brings doubt into your life; if seeing behavior with which you disagree tempts you; if the ready availability of some temptation causes you to fall – then what you have is not faith. It is not true belief.

Faith is not weakened by challenge, it is made stronger. Mature belief depends on discussion, consideration, and growth. When I was a child, I thought as a child has meaning on many levels, and it applies to all aspects of life. When you were a child, you may have thought that stars were but candles in the sky. Do you still believe that as an adult? If not, why then should your beliefs and understandings on matters of faith remain the same?

Challenges to faith and belief should not be seen as attacks, but as opportunities. For they give you the chance to share your thoughts and beliefs. Through honest discussion and consideration, you can increase your understanding and knowledge, and use such to help others understand and grow as well.

Fantasy ideologies can stand no question, and allow nothing that would contradict them to stand. For one great example, look to the Taliban. The only way their version of faith could survive was to cut their people off from the outside world. They did not allow the internet, papers, and other forms of communications that would show things different from their presentation. Anything existing that represented beliefs different from their own was destroyed, such as the giant, ancient Buddhas. Their system could not withstand the mute presence of statues that had stood for centuries. It could only exist in a vacuum.

Questioning, learning, and attempts to better understand your scriptures and beliefs – whatever your faith – are crucial. It is something that should be an ongoing part of your life. It is not always comfortable at the time, but the end result provides far greater comfort and security to you.

If you choose to follow the Way of the Wolf, this should not be limited to matters of spiritual faith and belief. All knowledge and – most especially – assumptions should be challenged on a regular basis.

How many times have you just absolutely “known” something? And found out it was wrong? Have you never made a snap judgment of a person, only to find out that what you assumed was the case was not? Our lives are filled with such things, and learning we are wrong can be embarrassing, but we are the better for finding out the truth. Learning is a cumulative process of replacing old knowledge with better knowledge. We not only add facts, but we increase our sophistication by understanding more complex ideas.

Think on school a bit. Did you start with quantum theory in first grade? Or did you start with rather simplistic presentations of atoms and cells as if they were solid objects? Did you discuss electron valences and sharing when learning how compounds were made? Or did you simply talk about two things joining? Did you start with conjugating verbs? Or did you start with the ABCs?

Now, did you see learning as a threat? As something to be feared and fought? A danger to society that must be eliminated for the good of all?

If not, why then fear learning and growth in any area?

Challenge yourself on every level.

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To be honest means simply to tell the truth. If you are truthful in all you do, it implies that you are fair with others, that you do not act with malice, and that your word will be good. Most of the positive attributes of being truthful are really connotations of other virtues, for the one true attribute of truthfulness is that your veracity can not be doubted.

Being truthful, however, does not mean being a fool or hurtful towards others. There are times when it is acceptable, even wise, to be less than totally honest.

We all have met someone who prides themselves on being brutally honest. The operative word here is brutal. This person has a self-loathing that manifests itself in petty cruelty to others. Their version of perfect honesty is designed to hurt others, to harm if possible, because they themselves are hurt or crippled inside. Beware this person, and take what they say with a full tub of salt as their complete honesty is far from complete, but is merely a highly selective slice of the total picture.

A true man, male or female, will temper honesty with compassion and diplomacy as needed. There are times for brutal honesty, but it must be accompanied by compassion and a way out or remedy for the problem being addressed. Otherwise, what is being done is simply tearing down with no effort made towards building up. Anyone can tear down, but it takes a real man to build someone up.

Tempering honesty is a very good idea for reasons of safety. Any person who tells a new mother that their baby looks and acts like Gollum on a bad hair day fully deserves much more than what will happen to them. Even if it is true, it is not terribly wise to say such.

Always consider the consequences of what is being said. This is especially true where the well-being of others is concerned, but also applies to yourself as well. Consider the situation, evaluate, and then choose your words with care. The words can still be honest and true, but tempered with wisdom and mercy without diminishing them or yourself.

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The basic concept of charity is to provide immediate aid and comfort to those in need. Fables of all types talk of assisting those with wounds or injuries, who are in danger of death, or otherwise in momentary need. The momentary nature is implicit in almost every teaching, from a thorn in the paw to someone in need on a journey. Reading these lessons in full shows that in almost every case, the intervention is temporary and results in the individual(s) being helped recovering and then going on and doing better in their lives.

Nowhere that I have found does is say that the person doing the good has taken up a “Chinese Obligation,” not even in what Chinese texts I have read. Tithing in all religions is there, but much of that is for the running of the religion in question, with a portion going to help those less fortunate. Even there, however, is a strong suggestion that the people being helped are expected to strive, to use the money or assistance not just to get by, but to do better.

Yet, we are often faced with a demand that we do for others, even when they will not do for themselves. There are many different political groups that state you should give, willingly or by force, a significant portion of your wealth to help others. Missing from this equation, however, is any suggestion that the people being helped must strive to do better. Indeed, in many ways they are actively discouraged from doing so, for that would then lose them the aid they currently get.

Even when not connected to a political event, the demand is often made on other levels and by other individuals. You must help us. We deserve this. We demand that. In many cases, it is easy and feels good to give to others, but is this truly a good thing?

Think on this a bit. You find someone who has had a setback in life. They lost a job, something else horrible has happened, and they find themselves in a temporary position. Yes, they have been out of work for a year, but they are looking for a new job, they are doing what they can to get by. Is it wrong to help them out of a tight spot? No.

Yet, what if this continued for years? Would it then be good, or would your assistance be enabling behavior that was ultimately destructive? Would you be encouraging them to excel, to strive, to better themselves by continuing to provide assistance, or would you be allowing them to continue on as they are, without any real incentive to do better? Should you continue to do things for them, or their children, even though if you don’t they will suffer?

This is an important question and concept, for we do have a duty to our fellow man. We have an obligation to help them help themselves. But, we have also fallen into a trap of helping others, without any expectation that they will then help themselves and others.

Is it wrong to expect something back? If you are thinking in terms of indenture or similar forms of payback, then I would say yes. If, however, you are thinking in terms of the people being helped striving to do better, to reach higher so that they can then assist others, then no, it is not wrong to expect that type of payback.

Payback is essential to our world as a whole. Not the direct payback of money, but the payback of the intellect and the spirit. A “Pay It Forward” that reaps many, many larger rewards than just that of the original simple act. The world grows, and we are all the richer, when we help others to help themselves. The concept is simple and is enumerated in many forms.

Give a person food, and you feed them for a day. Teach them to farm, to hunt, and to cook, and they can feed themselves and others for a lifetime.

When looking at giving to a charity, either an organization or to individuals, examine what lies beneath. Are you helping someone with a temporary situation, so that they can not merely get through it, but can then do better? Or, will your donation of time, money, or product enable them to continue a way that is destructive of mind and spirit?

Avoid that which destroys. If there is no incentive to grow, to do better, and to pay back to the greater community, then it is not true charity. Doing such does no one any good, and is ultimately harmful to them, and to you on many levels.

If what you do will break the cycle, encourage or enable growth, and will help the recipients to help themselves, then it is true charity and worthy of all you can do.

Therefore, think before you act. Look beneath the surface, resist the easy thrill, and think. Do truly right by others, and in that way you do right by yourself, and we all will reap the rewards.

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Author and philosopher Robert Heinlein referred to manners as the social lubricant, and that is no less than the truth. Manners as we know them started as a way of indicating not merely rank, but good intentions. The handshake came about as a way of showing that one was unarmed and of good will. Given that for most the right hand is dominant and therefore the weapon hand, it was a demonstration of good faith and good will to grasp the right forearm or hand of the person you were meeting. As for lefties, there was something sinister about them and being the minority they had to both adapt, and accept a tacit advantage given by the majority. By the way, if you did not get the previous pun, go look up sinister in a good dictionary and scan down into the “other” meanings.

Many table manners came about for reasons of good will, not to mention good health. I also rather suspect a strong desire for more pleasurable sights was also a factor, as few truly like to watch someone chew with their mouth open. Manners prevented disturbances at the table caused by jostling and such, prevented the spread of germs (and food poisoning, but that is another tale), and worked to reduce the cleanup required after a meal.

Given these historical origins, there are those out there who consider manners unneeded. Never mind the fact that they can be a way of helping ease situations, prevent misunderstandings and fights, they are old fashioned. A lack of knowledge, or an abundance of pseudo-knowledge, calls for them to be instruments of oppression though they are not and never truly were such.

Indeed, I think some of the misinformation may be deliberate, since there are two fundamental underlying principles that fly in the face of certain forms of social engineering. Simply put, manners are a way of saying to another “You Matter” and proclaiming to the world that you think about and care for others. In other words, manners are a way of saying that you can and do think of something besides yourself.

Being courteous towards others is the ultimate sign of respect, both to them and to yourself. It says very clearly to them that they are a unique person, worthy of respect, and that you are willing to give that to them. It also says that you have enough self-confidence, enough respect for yourself, that you can share the wealth and give respect to others.

Manners matter. Good manners, in interactions or at the table, show what you truly are and what you think of those around you. Show respect for others, and most of all yourself, by exercising them in every situation.

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The first fallacy has crept into modern society over time, and it matters not if it is a deliberate attempt to manipulate the debate or no. If one goes back to the founding fathers and studies the debates, what was intended was that everyone (or those entitled to vote) was entitled to have an opinion and to be able to freely express same. Now, the intention and great hope was that all responsible people would have an informed opinion. That is, an opinion based on reason and the reasoned examination of the available facts.

This right was not to be abridged in any way or form. Hence, there was freedom of the press, which included not merely journalists, but all Citizens and the entire publishing industry including the production of pamphlets, broadsheets, books, etc. The government could only suppress treason and sedition, and even that was made as difficult as possible lest it be misused. A person was to be free to express their opinion verbally or in print, no matter the opinion.

The right to have an opinion and to express it must be respected, as a matter of law and as a matter of philosophy. This means that even those with whom we may violently disagree have the right to speak and be heard, to print and to be read, and to disseminate by any means their opinion. Yet, this is not fully practiced even now and is complicated by the attempt to change this very important meme such that it becomes the respect for the opinion, rather than simply the right to hold it.

The second fallacy picks up from there. It holds that as one has to respect the opinion, then all opinions must be equal. Each and every opinion and thought is valid and has the same moral equivalence. This particularly poisonous meme is the backbone of pseudo-intellectual though everywhere, and can be seen in those who hold terrorists and murderers to be soldiers and “freedom fighters” as opposed to cowardly psychopaths.

According to this variant of the respect meme, I could put forth the proposition that the forced introduction of people, even children, to the sexual arts was not merely good but mandated by ancient religious practices, rites, and beliefs. That said rites were protected, and ultimately beneficial to all those involved. Therefore, said practices and rights were equivalent to modern Christian of Judaic practices, and would have to be respected, both as an opinion and as a protected religious practice. As another example, I could claim that it is my opinion that members of one particular Scottish Clan were superior beings who were taller, faster, smarter, and should rule the world. Because it is expressed as an “opinion” it should automatically be respected, with respect meaning accepted as on par with all other opinions and laws pertaining to same.

The absolute absurdity of such claims is self-evident, yet the logical fallacy behind them and many other less obviously flawed arguments and claims is rarely acknowledged or challenged. Instead, many are moving toward the acceptance of the fallacy and the related memes because of ignorance, greed, and other related motivations. Anyone who follows the way must not blindly accept what is presented, but must examine the underpinnings just as they would with any argument or proposition.

When engaging in debate, discussion, or consideration, one must always look at the framework involved, not merely the arguments that drape it. The draping and associated bunting may be gorgeous, but if the framework is flawed then all the good looks in the world will not keep it or anything built on it from crashing in ruin. To try to build a life, a government, a civilization, or anything else on a lie is doomed, no matter how pretty and comfortable it is while it stands.

If you follow the way, you have several obligations in terms of opinions and respect.

First, you must base your own beliefs on a strong framework. Logic is a good structure, as is the associated framework of your core beliefs. You must ensure that your work has the solid foundation and structure to endure and to grow.

Second, you must drape your framework with reason and fact. Fantasy is nice, but it is rather insubstantial. It is a good way to leave a door to the future, but it is good for little else.

Third, you must respect the right of others to have and to express their opinion. This means that you must be willing to honor that even in those with whom you violently disagree. It matters not what is said, the right to say it must be guarded with your life, your fortune, and your sacred honor.

Fourth, it does not mean that you have to respect the opinion itself. You have an obligation to yourself and your fellow Citizens of the world to rip to shreds opinions based on emotionalism, fantasy ideologies, or other flights of fancy, lies, or distortions. The worst thing in the world is to stand and do nothing in the face of such ignorance and evil. You must, however, do so with logic, reason, and fact, lest you slip into the same error as the other party.

Fifth, fighting back is not necessarily slipping into error. Examine what you are doing, why you are doing it, and where you are going with it. If you are following the basic precepts of the way, and have a sound framework based on truth and reason, then it is not error.

Sixth, you have an obligation to set an example, to lead. Shine forth, and guide others by your words and your actions.

Free speech is never free, there is always a cost. Those costs include having speech that is hateful, ignorant, or even evil and protecting that speech. It also includes pointing out errors, distortions, lies, logical fallacies, and more. It means putting forward fact and your own opinions. Do so, for in that way debate and discourse are encouraged, and we are all the better for it.

Remember that while you do have to respect the right to have an opinion, there is no requirement whatsoever to respect the opinion itself.

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A formalized relationship is the easiest for this to be done, and also the easiest for a person to trip. Now, I am using formalized here simply because a marriage is only one type of a formalized relationship. There are many other types, though they are not as well known, or simply that in many cases people fail to realize them for what they are. The thing that binds them all together is that there is some form of legal, civil, religious, or other guideline and expectation for the relationship.

In many cases, there is an oath-giving or oath-taking that is part of the relationship. Marriage vows, godparent vows, or any other type of similar situation is the solemn giving of word that certain things will be done. As with all oaths, these are not things for mere lip service, but serious obligations with legal and/or moral weight.

For this reason, when I marry, I plan to be very careful of my vows. There was a preacher years back that I knew, who altered the standard marriage vows because he well knew the bride. He told her with a smile, a grin to be honest, that he would not make her swear to obey, as he would not make her a liar on her wedding day. A wise man, and an honorable one as well, for he knew that this was not an oath that should be made by this person within the traditional concepts of obeying. She was no weak-willed person who would always do as she was told, but a person who would do what she believed was right, no matter the cost.

The fact is, if you do a religious ceremony of marriage, you are pledging your life and your immortal soul to the oath. If you pledge to obey, be faithful, etc., then you are pledging you will do so no matter the cost to you in this life or the next. Think this is an exaggeration? Then check with a good preacher/priest/rabbi/other and take a close look at the words and their meanings.

If it is a civil ceremony, you are still pledging your word, your honor, and your fortune to such words. I would argue that you still pledge your soul as well, unless specifically excluded, but will also admit that this is subject to differing interpretations. What does not change, however, is that you pledge the best that is yourself to doing what you say. That the words, implicitly or explicitly, carry penalties for failure to keep your word.

So, think long and hard about the oath you swear before you take that step. It is wrong in every way to swear such oaths knowing that you will break them. That is why if you are a swinger or are participants in other non-traditional ventures, that you make sure the oath does not prohibit what you do. To swear any oath not just thinking that you might break it, but knowing you will, is an abomination. It means that you are dishonest at the start, and that is no way to go into any relationship.

Non-formal relationships are the harder to deal with, simply because the rules change as you go. If you start something off on a casual basis, such as just going to movies or dinner together to keep from going alone, and then gradually grow into some form of closer relationship, the rules change. It is up to both parties to realize the change, to make sure that all are aware of the changes, and that all agree to play by the new rules.

These rules need to be spelled out and agreed to, either verbally or in writing. I have been in relationships that have not done so, and that have done well. I have also been in and witnessed others where this did not. This is part of the maturity process, or learning through pain mentioned last week, and is a kernel of wisdom from which I hope others can learn.

If you truly care about the relationship and the other party or parties, have the integrity to hold such discussions. They may or may not be painless, but there is far greater pain and suffering that awaits if you don’t do it. It may or may not be comfortable, but greater discomfort comes from failing to do the right thing.

Now, while I am all for honesty, I do need to clarify a point here: total, complete, and brutal honesty is not a good thing. There are times where you want to be very diplomatic, for the sake of the relationship and your hide. A good case in point works for both males and females: you are out together and you see an attractive person who has a nice rear. Your mate notices. This is not the time to tell them that, yes, the other person does indeed have cuter buns. That is, unless you are secure enough in each other and in yourselves to deal with such, or you have an strong desire for a painful death. Another case would be a baby, where you are expected to say something nice even if it looks and acts like Gollum on a bad day.

While I will not counsel lying, there is usually a good way to say something non-committal or nice that is literally true but avoids the pain of brutal honesty. “Yes, they do have beautiful hair, but I wonder if there is a nice way for you to give them the name of your hairdresser.” “Oh, they are so peaceful when they sleep.” “Yes, they do have a nice ___________. Speaking of which, that gives me an idea…” (appropriate grabbing, kissing, suggestions here)

Whatever the relationship, honor it and cherish it. If you can’t do this, get out of it because one or both of you deserve better. Maturity, honesty, and integrity are the pillars on which good relationships are built. Building them takes time, effort, and pain. The results, however, are very much worth it as you have a loving, committed, and fun relationship in which to be immersed.

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